Speaking of which...

Why can't things get on?

2006-10-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

I tried so hard... but things are still right where they were... It's like I'm moving in circles and I'm back to the start...

It stings me. And I have to keep smiling... so that my sadness isn't visible... to him... to anybody.

I have to be patient. Heck, wait again... And it's this dreary long wait, that's scaring me. Scaring me, alive...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

Freedom... only just...

2006-09-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

72 hours... of continous work.
8 hours... of total sleep.
5 meals... skipped in total.
0 hours... phone time.
0 hours... Television time.

Non-stop work... for three days... and my submissions are only just over. And you thought being an interior designer was a breeze. Think again.

Oh crap! It's cupid again?

2006-09-03T03:07:00.000-07:00

There are ONLY two kinds of people in this world. The ones in love and the ones who want to be loved...

SIS: ... So, umm... what will you do when 'he' gets back?
ME: [calmly] Well, I'll probably just rip his clothes off and throw him on the bed...
SIS: [utterly shocked] Err... OK. Hahaha...
ME: [Even more calmly] Oh relax, I'll probably be perfectly decent and at least say 'Hello' first.

Don't I just love shocking my sister? Anyway, the 'he' mentioned n the above conversation happens to be the current object of my affection and I have to say goddarnit I'm growing quite fond of the li'l thing, actually more than I'm comfortable to admitting in public. He's a kid, well a kid who's a couple of years elder to me, but a kid nonetheless. All's fine you say but what has this got to do with love... Well, everything actually.

He's kind, smart, funny, innocent and cute but that hasn't got anything to do with why I love him. I love the boy… who choked me with his love and suffocated me when I said I needed my space. The boy who gets enormously bored if I start speaking about something remotely philosophical even though that’s what I love to talk about the most [I’ll be discussing the importance of individualism and objectivism and he’ll say I love you, which is my cue to shut up…] The boy who irritates me no ends with his excruciatingly bad jokes. The boy who is absolutely wrong for me… but I smile for our misfit. The boy who is so naïve yet I’m the one who feels helpless in his presence. The boy who simply told me that he loves me and doesn’t know why… and I love him for all of these things... Unpredictably, unpredictable...

Everything was fine perfectly fine before he came, I won’t say something was missing because it wasn’t. I had the breathing space that I fiercely guarded and all was well. But he came and now my perfectly organized world is gone upside down. Corny as it sounds he taught me to breathe in the same space with someone else. He realized that under the guise of my freedom I was just as insecure and scared of being alone as anyone else and I wanted someone to love me and appreciate me in the way that I wanted to be loved and appreciated. He does not love me and appreciate me like I want him to either… he does it in his own weird li’l way.

He’s gone away for a while now, the while being four months to be exact and I feel absolutely desolate. Miserably in love. And its worse that I’m actually enjoying my misery… Sad how the one thing that I didn’t want to infest inside my brain, dependency, has finally gotten hold of me.

Hmm… though I want it to... I’m not sure whether if this would last forever, I don’t have any idea whether he’s the one; everything other than 'my heart' says he might not be. I can’t say whether he’ll be the last boy I’ll love. But at least I smile more often…

The inevitable side-effects...

2006-08-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

What the f***?

Is it really supposed to happen? When you ask for something are you really supposed to get it exactly like you dreamed of? When you had dreamed about it, you knew there was no chance in hell that you would find the same thing, the exact same thing, you could get close but it could never be that, you were even beggining to wonder what makeshift you were going to have to live with... but suddenly you've found it, it's within your grasp and now that you've really got it, you can't believe it...

I dunno what's happening to me, madness... but not. Either ways I'm wondering...

What the f***?

Between the Devil and the Dark Night

2006-08-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

In the past calamities or oddities that keep happening in Mumbai I have always found myself tucked away in some safe corner not knowing what the hell was going on. But good luck never really runs for long, does it?

Yesterday in the downpour there was in the city I was in college since noon and I thanked my luck yet again, for my college timings and for the fact that I had not bunked and gone out with friends... then we would've been in real trouble what with people literally stranded without any means of transport.

I was in college till 7 in the evening which are the official timings of our college... between which time 'Friendship Day' was celebrated and the celebrations had carried on. Carried on till about 8 and half an hour after that I got into the train, with my white Tee baring odes of friendships and wishes for the future. My face and hands weren't spared, I looked like a walking bulletin board, my right cheek sporting the words... 'Ha Ha Ha Gotcha' in permanent black, but yet I was thankful that the rain had slowed down some. At least the trains were functioning properly at that point. No later than 15 minutes, we were off at our desired station walking amidst the ruins of the completely deserted rickshaw stand, hopelessly flailing our arms at the empty rickshaws speeding by with no avail. We decided to walk a bit and as soon as we passed by a Cafe... my stomach started rumbling. To most eating at this point would seem disturbing... to me it's the most natural thing to do if it involves a cuppa coffee.

Sitting down at the Cafe, we stared out miserably as the rain showed no signs of stopping. My wind-cheater was soaked in water from when I had dropped it and it was of no use whatsoever. Move over rain, I said as we walked out after 'bout 45 minutes and my girl friend, who was the only one accompanying me, said it was the cappucino speaking. I was refreshed alright but the rain had doubled... coming down on us at an almost a bone-crunching velocity and I was soaked top to bottom. We walked on for another 15 minutes.

T'was bout 10 by the time we caught a rick, with a strict warning not to address him as 'bhaiyya' and a prior notice that he would not leave us all the way to our home but drop us at a place which is about half an hours walk from home. We were glad, at least for the five-ten minutes that we were in the rickshaw, to be under some shelter cause I was soaked and it was freakin cold.

So he dropped us at the promised point, from whereon we begun walking not believing our luck to be stuck in this situation. If I were dry I would've enjoyed the weather... but I wasn't. Our mad flailing to stop anything and everything on wheels begun again cause walking the length to our homes seemed impossible in the rising water, we continued trying to stop rickshaws when a car sopped to give us a lift.

The old man asked whether we needed some help... we said we could use a lift. Our houses were a good 25 minutes away and he said he was going that way. We were so eager to get out of the bloody cold that we didn't think twice before getting in.

Immediately after the car started, red flags started going up in my head. I remembered a serial called 'Bhanwar' and all the ugly details of the taking-a-lift-from-strangers eipsode started running through my head. The caustic smell of ciggarette smoke had filled up the inside of the car and the steamed windshield was adding to my apprehension. I looked at my friend and she had the same anxiousness on her face. The man inquired about where we were coming from and told us we shouldn't have been out so late at night. I was in no condition to make small talk so I answered his questions point blank.

At a turn which was still a good 15 minutes away from our homes we convinced the man to let us get off. He was offerring to leave us all the way home from some other route but we kept the fake smiles on our faces and insisted on getting off.

He smiled at me and a virtous gesture immediately seemed like a menacing grin. We got home a li'l later and my friend and I swore to not tell anyone because everybody would've said the same thing 'two girls, getting into an unknown car, close to midnight' weren't really good prospects. I would've yelled at my friends if anyone had done such a thing and yet at that point we were so blinded by our exhaustion we did something stupid.

Whether that man was a good samaritan or a fucking criminal I still can't say but I am a little glad I didn't wait long enough to find out exactly.

I do feel bad for accusing him for anything... if he was just trying to help... but then the thought of some other girl who was stranded alone some night and made the biggest mistake of her life by asking for a lift comes into my mind and I think... maybe I have the liberty to be alert. Maybe I have the liberty of making an assumption.

Cause otherwise I know I wouldn't have wanted to see the expression 'Ha Ha Ha Gotcha' in his eyes.

So So Long...

2006-08-04T23:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a million moments since I last posted... Why? I don't know, sometimes I guess you need to take a break from everything... Even the things you love.

Re-evaluation more like. A realistic me would say I never had the time to post, what with college beggining and everything, but that's not it. I know that's not it for I stopped a long time before that. Like people who know me will tell you... I hate stagnancy of any sort, why then would I pursue it? I don't even know why one fine day when everything was still like it used to be, I felt that I needed a break... and I didn't turn back to say bye. Most of the bloggers I know will apologize for leaving, sort of give people a heads up, no?

I didn't. I wonder why? Guess... I didn't want to wait even that long... Just needed fresh air. And now I'm back to those who will still forgive me and read into my obnoxiousness... my personal thoughts. I'm back without the promises to never leave again, without the promises that I will notify the next time I plan to go for so long. Without the promise of better quality in my writing... This blog will be what it always was... Another breath of fresh air.

Why me?

2006-05-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

'Twas the time past midnight and the whole world was sound alsleep. The air was still and the night was silent... It would've been completely peaceful, for my own restlessness. Something was terribly wrong... I couldn't fall asleep no matter what I tried. Music didn't help, nor did counting sheep, nor reading text books [which works wonderfully otherwise]. I sat up in my bed and looked around, there wasn't a movement in the room... Or so I thought.

I switched on the lights and walked to the kitchen, helped myself to some cold water to calm my nerves. As I got back and was about to helplessly creep back into my bed, I saw the thing that was amiss. A slit in my window made me realize that it had been precariously left open. But that's odd... I walked the length of the room and closed the window. But it was too late.

The intruder had entered and was lurking in the corner behind my bed. Only the camouflage was too well conceived, I didn't see him. I got on my bed and took a couple of slugs of water from the bottle. But that feeling of uncertainty crept back again.

Damnit! I decided to shrug it off, nothing was wrong, it was just my overworked imagination. I turned about in my bed and just as I extended my hand to turn off the light... I saw them. The most bloodshot eyes I have ever seen, the red pupils... the ugly face. I screamed or tried to scream... but no sound escaped my throat.

He saw the fear in my eyes and took one ugly step forward. That was it for me, I leapt off my bed and ran to the door to go outside and call for help but in the split second it took me to open the door and look back, he was gone! I searched the whole room but he had dissappeared into thin air. The window was closed so he couldn't have gone out that way... I didn't know what to do... I just didn't know what to do, If I went outside they'd laugh at me and tell me to go right back to sleep. It was no use calling anyone. So I waited there, alert on my bed, waited for him to come back...

There was no way I could go to sleep with that damned lizard running about my bed. No way...

Part II - 'Lord of the Blogs: The Two Tags'.

2006-05-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

This has been a long time coming, I had actually forgotten 'bout it. So before I forget again, I'll do what I'm supposed to. Now I have been asked to write down 8 specific things I would like in my lover... (I'm supposed to be content with just eight things?) Well, if it has to be just eight things... these would probably be it. And I will answer honestly.
So here they are...

Eight Simple Rules for dating... umm... ME!

1. 'No Cave Man' - This happens to be the pre-requisite, 'most required' for me. I unbashedly enjoy my individuality, hence I cannot appreciate a control-freak or a possesive macho man. He should also not be stuck in traditional gender roles. Guys who try to drag me around by my hair everywhere, will only see me pull off one helluva 'cave-woman' dissappearing act.

2. 'Boy-next-door' - I don't have any real specifics about looks really, as long as he's a little boyish and innocently charming. I do have a weakness for them typical, blue eyed, baby faced boys. But it's not a compulsion. And yes, the boy should have a killer smile, a smile that makes me forget... Cause I'm ever so often in need of a painkiller.

3. 'Simplicity' - I adore simplicty in guys, in anybody actually. And by that I do not mean in the lifestyle, I mean more in the nature of the person.

4. 'Wild thing' - Leaving aside sexual connotations, he has to be unpredictable and adventurous. In either which way he must have a zest for life the way I do. Nothing boring or conventional. Anything plastic is a serious turn-off.

5. 'Cool dude' - I like laid-back guys, who don't get worked up about unnecessary things. Who enjoy the little things in life and who like to assess things calmly. Especially no workaholics or dollar-eyed freaks.

6. 'Definitely different' - I like eccentric guys. Anyone I find charasmatic and different, than everyone else, someone who intrigues me. And that is very important to get me hooked.

7. 'Humor and Sense' - Like I said, I like guys who can see the upside of everything. He just has to know how to have a good laugh. And I'm not talking cheesy humor ala "American Pie". Just someone who has a little brain cells enough to be witty and fun.

8. And lastly he must love me... not because it's convenient, but because he wants to be in love with me, and me only.

And cause I haven't found these qualities, well all together at least, in a single guy, I'm beggining to wonder whether waiting for the 'Perfect' guy is a mistake...

I will wait though probably... Like George Macdonald said...
"Death alone from death can save. Love is death,and so is brave."

The calm before the storm...

2006-04-11T05:02:00.000-07:00

+There's something about the exams, the moment they are announced a thousand unnecessary worries will cloud your mind. The word to focus on, here, is 'unnecessary'. Things that in one way or the other will stop you from doing what you ideally and righteously should be doing on the advent of exams, studying. But no, you're still relying on the fact that god owns you some... so by what can only be termed as a miracle, you'll pass without studying. You have to, so it is completely alright to chuck studying aside and daydream. Right from thinking about what you're going to add to your wardrobe after your end-of-exams shopping spree... to the li'l graver things, like whether you're going to live a happy life or die alone. Oh well, in either case, these are, of course, things that do not require immediate thought or attention, let alone the long hours you spend speculating about them.

Exams always have that effect on me, I find, suddenly, that I have so many things to concentrate on... and then of course I feel overwhelmed and totally out of sorts cause I'm not studying! It's a disease I tell ya...

And it seems, I'm not the only one whose sufferring. I'm glad. Else, the whole spending-time-together-before-the-exams-leave-us-mentally-incapacitated -outing would not have been planned.

It was a pretty hush-hush affair since several anti-intelligent elements, who've clawed their way into our gang, needed to be excluded. I know, that sounds very judgemental, but please... you have to know these people to know why we did what we did. They, mind you, are not reclusive, geekish, or wierd... we welcome those qualities. These are more on the arrogant,boastful and ill-behaved side. Hence, the abandoning. One really did not want to be bothered by them... on this particular excursion.

So we headed off to the beach, no not Juhu... god knows we would have suffocated to death in the crowd. We chose this beach which is located in a very secluded locality somewhere near the outskirts of Mumbai. It has a very rural but picturesque quality to it... Perfect!

And god, did we have fun. By the time we got there, it already felt like a world away from reality. Pleasant warm breezes everywhere, village kids playing cricket on the parallel grounds... and the morning sun, glancing through the amazing assortment of palms and coconut trees. everything about it was fun... The li'l ice-cream man who came with his trolley which ironically had a blaring loud speaker tuned on to the daytime radio, which, thankfully, did not bombard us with ugly Himesh Reshamiya songs.

We played a several games of dumb-charades, truth and dare and hide-and seek, which, by the way, proved very tiring since, the infamous couple (mentioned in the last post), felt they needed to take a walk on the beach while people were still looking for them. That killed us some time, we should've just stopped looking once we found out that the both of them had gone missing together. So anyways, we played... and we played in the water, we played with the volleyball, we built a very lousy sand-castle, which if, by the way, there were little sand-people, would've been completely impossible to live in. And we wrote on the wet sand in big letters so that the planes passing above us could read our names and other, let's say, ridiculous stuff. In all, we did pretty much useless stuff and in the end, we were tired, dirty, wet and happy.

So, all in all, the time-out did us good. And although I was beat by the time I reached home again, I felt refreshed already.

What? You think I studied after that? Get real. I, of course, had even more things to daydream about...

Oh! Crap, it's cupid...

2006-03-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

"A friend in need is a friend indeed... and the one who isn't, is no friend at all?"

Past couple of weeks in my life have been, let's say, wierd for me. Reason: Time, or rather the lack of it. Not in my life but yep, everyone else seems to be keeping really busy, which feels surprisingly odd when I'm on the recieving end. Surprisingly odd and surprisingly lonely.

- It's most irritating when two of your friends, who used to be a part of the whole group and totally fun individually, get together. No jealousy, or ulterior motives here, mind you. It's purely on the basis that these people will officially be living in their own universe from then on. *sigh* Young love. It happens more than often that people who used to be cool and fun to be around, get unbearably corny when they become a couple. I've had this happen to me, twice in the last few months! Yes, I know you're out there, empathizing with me. I pity myself, really. Because it leaves you with nothing to do but bite your nails, listen to your trusty discman or talk on the phone(where you eventually end up getting the answer "I'm busy, call you back later"...) You look at the sky... search for cute faces you could smile at, try to strike a conversation when they react to you! And just when you're thinking they might actually talk to you... they find a little nice titbit that needs to be shared in private. And she giggles and he laughs out loud. And things are lovey-dovey again and everyone is happy in fairyland and yet again they have eyes only for each other, and you have to go back to listening "Leaving on a Jet Plane" for the hundredth time... wishing you actually had a jet plane, so that you could get out of there before a giant furry Teddy bear with a red bow-tie could hug you to death.

Ok, considering everything, this phase is not so bad, this I can bear you know, since they mostly do look cute together. The part that troubles me though is when things are not so smooth in their now on-now off relationship. When they fight for the most absurd reason on the planet and actually quite entirely believe that they are the only right side. This is followed by a really traumatic and rather 'filmy ishtyle' argument. And you just wanna keep to yourself, shrug a little and run out of there before you're caught in the middle of it, but you're just too nice for that. Too damn nice, so you meddle. Oh boy, oh boy, you feel like this shitty argument will never end and you feel like slapping them both into their senses, feel like saying "You should be considering yourself lucky, at least you aren't going to die alone and miserable... or as a forty year old schizophrenic!". OK, maybe a little less extreme than that, but along the same lines at least. You're talking incessantly, to knock some sense into them. She cries a little, he buries his head in his hands... and you're wanting to scratch out hair, maybe when they're bald they will listen. Oh well, you're deciding to give up... and viola! They're suddenly saying sorry and calling each other by pet names like 'shonu' & 'sweetu' *puke*.

Things are fine and dandy again... of course it's back to phase one. Damn, Where's that discman when I need it?

- Then there's the other type. Friends who are into their career or are busy with their lives and make it quiet clear that they don't want to be disturbed. The friends whose love for space will surpass all earthly bonds. This is a little serious since I donn't expect to be treated so indifferently from people I considered to be close to me. Oh well, all's fair in love, war and LIFE, I guess.

Only it's mostly irritating because people find an excuse to cut you off of from their lives. Just say "I'm kinda sorta busy" and they'll expect youto understand. And when you're trying to get in touch because you need to talk to them, they will accuse you of not giving them enough space.

I feel hurt because initially I did accuse or doubt myself of being too clingy, which is a quality I totally hate in other people. It's not something I like to see in me at all. It wasn't until quite later, when I spotted the well noted art of reverse-psycology in it, that I realized what an ass I was being by repeating to myself, what was being said to me. I realize that needing a friend is not being clingy, or selfish. It's simply asking in return what you have been faithfully giving to the friendship, since forever. Your time and patience. You've been trying to pour your soul into the friendship and when you need someone, you're expecting only naturally you will get the shoulder you deserve, to cry on or at least to rest your head on till the headache stops.

Anyways, I guess things eventually sort themselves out...they always do, don't they? After all friends are friends are friends. Whether in need or in name that is to be figured out...

In the meantime... I will definitely have to learn to spend some (much more than required)time... all by my little ol' self.

Or maybe I'll get a big furry teddy bear with a red bow-tie and name him 'Sweetu'.

Author's Note: This post was written under extreme tension and frustration and the author does not mean to cause offence to couples in love who might show the above symptoms or to busy people. At least not cause offence purposely. Aw heck it's written, all of it, purposely! Go ahead. Shoot me.

Love to Hate... [Part I of The TwoTags]

2006-03-06T06:15:00.000-08:00

This happens to be the first from the series The Lord of the Blogs: The Two Tags... courtesy SmartOxymoron.

A long due tag it requires me to write of things that I hate and unlike SOxy, I Hate, well, a lot of things actually, so here they are in no specific order...

I hate:

Hypocritic, uptight, egotistical, condescending, judgemental and humorless people.
Monotony and cliches.
Mosquitoes.
Losing someone I love.
Preppy, bitchy girls.
Cheap, grossly loud music.
Spiceless food.
Doing unneccessary work.
Daily soaps.
Living in a small house.
Being Confused.
Suffocatingly hot days.
Big moustaches on guys.
Tying knots on shoe laces.
Crowds.
Creepy creatures.
Sleezy music videos.
Show offs and wannabes.
Shahrukh Khan movies.
Getting that occasional zit.
Bullies.
Loud make-up.
Year round common cold.
People hurting animals.
Stale Pizza's.
Predictable romances.
Racism.
Not being left alone, when I want.
Unnecessary arguments.
Boredom...

These, I would have to admit, are just some of the things that I remember off the top-of-my-head, there's definitely more... Very reassuring yes?

But since I have listed down the things I hate, I decided I would also write down the things that I absolutely love. You know, to keep the balance. And also to prove that I'm not overtly hateful and am in fact life-affirming all the time. Well, most at least.

So, here goes...

I love:

The smell of the sun-burnt earth, after the first monsoon showers.
Smiling.
Fuzzy and cute things.
Staring out my window on a rainy day.
Cream-filled pastries.
Salsa and slow dancing.
Happy Endings.
Watching Home make-overs.
Being with friends.
Writing.
'Far Away' by Nickelback.
Adventure, Excitement and the Andrenaline rush.
Watching stupid teen drama series.
Seeing his smile.
Aimless, philosophical conversations.
Being by myself, sometimes.
Good music.
My mom.
Freedom and Individuality.
Silently crying.
Webshots on my computer.
The smell of hot coffee on a cold night.
ACDC's 'Highway to Hell'.
Daydreaming.
Junk food.
Turquoise eyes.
Staring at the sky.
Associating lyrics of songs to situations in my life.
Laughing out loud.
Happy Memories.
Acting hyperactive all of a sudden.
Pleasant surprises.
Life...

And so here it is, I love some things more than others, I hate some things more than others... But most of all I hate coming across a sign that reads "Draw bridge ahead" and I don't have a pencil.

Sports, Speed and Stuff...

2006-02-28T06:59:00.000-08:00

People who know me, know I'm not much of a sports person... not even close. They also know, I have a pretty good reason for not being one. It's simple, I don't enjoy doing something if I'm not naturally good at it. And my history with sports hasn't been an encouraging one, not in the least.

Flashback...

My dissappointment with sports began at an early age... Whenever friends got together for a game of cricket I was the first one to bat, but only because everyone knew I would get out within the first couple of balls. So they'd let me go on first, cause after I got out they could go on with the game without any hitches. And I was rarely,
if ever, given a chance to bowl. They told me I threw like a girl... Big Wow!

My first attempts with football were pretty dismal too. I was just a kid when I first tried my hand at football or rather tried my foot at it. I remember the incident like it happened yesterday, they say you never forget the truly embarrassing moments of your life easily.

Couple of guys in my locality had gotten together for a game and the girls decided to join 'em. Now a crush of mine was also in the game and he decided to guide me through my terrible lack of knowledge of the game... so the whole gang aside... and the both of us at one side. Sounds perfect doesn't it? It was, until they decided to start a
trial game. He was the goal-keeper... so I was keen to take a shot. I took a cool run up and struck the ball... and when I saw something fly up towards the goal I made the mistake of assuming it was the football. It wasn't until a couple of seconds later when I looked down and saw the ball exactly where it was, which was also when the
other terrible reality struck me, I was missing a shoe. You know how this is going to end right? For those who haven't already guessed I have to say... he didn't know what hit him.

Anyways, after that it was just a downhill road for me and sports, and everything sport associated. Like they say if you're scarred during childhood the trauma will stay with you, all your life.

I took up Basketball in higher secondary and just as I was getting good at it... they made annoucements for the elections of the school team. I panicked, obviously, and stayed away from the try-outs. And then the regression of practice and my growing impatience saw me quitting that too. This was followed by other sports, Badminton, Carrom even table tennis and it was the same old story of growing lack of interest. The only thing I enjoyed was 'watching' sports. Mostly adventure sports...
My macho friend calls it the "pretty girl equals good cheer-leader" syndrome. I would have been terribly offended with this statement, had I been able to prove him otherwise.

Anyways, my whole point is that the only thing I came close to, was watching and enjoying these adventure sports. That does not mean though I'm any more knowledgeable of them, than I am of other sports.

Back to present day...

Some guy friends of mine were off to watch the bike and car Rally/Festival/Races that were being held out here. I naturally asked them whether I could go... not to my surprise they instantly shot me down saying it wasn't a girl thing, plus I was the only chic out of the group who had actually volunteered to go. Well, after a lot of convincing... and pouting, I convinced to get rides for me and another girlfriend of mine. I dunno why I was so keen on going, but it was probably cause, like I said, I have a thing for watching these sports. Plus, I had never been to one of these races before so I wanted to know what the experience was like. So we got up early in the morning to catch the races. Frankly, people at my house were surprised cause I'm not a rise and shine kinda person, but my conviction on being there was strong.

So, we rode out to Vashi, which was an hour long drive... but I enjoyed it like hell. Riding with Seven bikers... was really, well, CooL. When we got there though, it wasn't like I had imagined it... Cause my imagination itself was a fantasised version. I figured there would be dirt roads, blonde standing in the middle and dropping the handkerchief as the hells angels tore off to race each other for a huge sum 'o cash.

But they were like any other races, really, simple and fun. I enjoyed most part of it and it would've been a perfect event had it not been for the ghastly, bitch of an afternoon sun. I was hallucinating by the time the last of the cars had done racing. And no, the guys were not poking fun at us for being weak... cause they were equally close to getting heat strokes. We wandered around a bit checking out the tons of different bikes and cars that were lined up for racing... and the boys just could not stop drooling. I have to admit some of those machines were mean and excellent. But I suppose me and mah girlfriend's interest sparked only till the "o0h... shiny" phase.

Just as I was beggining to wonder whether coming there was a mistake though... this guy pulled off this amazing 'wheelie' on his bike and I swear my eyes just popped out of their sockets. He was followed by a couple of other guys who did some crazy stuff as we cheered on hysterically.

And I knew... Coming there was every bit worth of it. Cause riding on the bike, the adrenaline rush when it caught up speed, and every stunt that was performed had justified my excitement to go there. And if that wasn't enough the number of cute guys there was sufficeint enough reason for me to make sure I catch this rally the next year too.

I'm pretty sure this incident is not going to alter my opinion about sports or anything but it has reaffirmed my belief in the thrill of watching them from the background.

Campus Capers...

2006-02-21T08:32:00.000-08:00

col·lege (n.) - A facility to gather like-minded, unknowing youths and provide the perfect platform for the endless experiences together, good and bad, that enrich and enhance and embellish an individual's life and give fulfillment... oh, and where a little studying is done... sometimes...

Right, that's not necessarily how the Oxford defines it... but that's the way most of us(hopefully) have seen it...

I know I have expressed much of my great collge/social life in the past... but until recently I had a different take on it. College life, to me was nothing more than a precarious 'fling'... a fun and satisfying experience to be enjoyed while it lasts... something that wouldn't necessarily give me my emotional fulfillment. And I have been proved wrong now... constantly...

So I saw, Rang De Basanti, and saw it again... and then again... Don't ask me why I have spent a grand total of 450 bucks only for watching the same movie over again. I don't know the answer myself... probably the only sane conclusion was because when I saw the movie, almost every other charachter felt like a potrayal of someone from my life... And it was only during the third time when I watched it, that I had the time to look around at my friends faces, a group of people whose only objective would be to give up every seriousness in their lives and have fun, as they sat there and died with the charachters. That's probably why I loved the movie, that's probably when I realized how important my friends are to me. That's probably why...

My friends have been very supportive of me for the past weeks... Help me get through my problems... they've helped me to get out of my rut. That's when I realized that this was beyond just a group of people hanging out together, so I'm glad for them... all of them.

It's not like my group o' friends is without controversies but when we all come together the fun we have is imaginable... and I'm glad we come together more often than not...

I'm greatful to my new college for a lot of things...

- Where else would I find a nutty group of people who play "Simon Says" on the Marine drive and make total and complete idiots of themselves in front of the whole world...

- Or would spend a night exploring a "cemetary" and then having a campfire in there, even though most people present were scared chicken-shit...

- Or people who bunked college for an entire week... to catch on every rock concert there was in the city... even though they didn't really give a damn...

- Or stay up an entire night when they were knee deep in submissions... only to helpout each other rather than selfishly completing their own work.

Right, that was only the weeks schedule...

My friend recently came back from Mangalore where she's studying to get her degree in Physiotherapy and when she came back my old college friends met up... and we had an incredible time. Its like everyone is doing something radically different from each other, so we keep busy and don't get time to meet up very often... but when we do, it's like the melting point of our lives. We catch up on the good times, we discuss how our lives have changed, nostalgia over a cuppa coffee, it's great...

My friend keeps complaining how she's experiencing a lull in her campus life in Mangalore, and how she misses Mumbai and all of its specialness... and I'm thinking god I'm lucky, I'm not in her place... cause I know I wouldn't be able to survive anywhere else.

18 when I've died....

2006-02-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

Where is god?

I know most of the times I take a comical reproach to the part he plays in my life during any bad situation... I figure thats the best way to stay happy. But I can't help but think that we might've slipped out of his mind for a bit...

In the past week a lot of things have happened, not all necessary to my liking. My 18th birthday came and went by as unsignificantly as possible... Nothing like I had expected it to be. I didn't wish for magnanimous presents or the whole enchilada,just hoping to have another memorable birthday, to add to the list. God spared me the hysteria though and not kindly...

The Bryan Addams concert had sorta lifted my spirits the next day... but all was not well...

The next few days passed with a wonted desolation... Things happened, arguments took place, tears shed, heart aches caused and a new day has come, without the new hope that it so often boasts of bringing along with it...

I can't help but wonder, where is god through this... maybe responding to other more urgent prayers... looking after people who are much less fortunate than me. I don't mind... just that I was selfishly hoping, that at some point he would throw a quick look at me... just one time.

Karma or ordinance are things that I have grown out, of believing. People who have wronged will continue to live without the slightest bearings of their doings... People who are still doing it, will never realize their mistakes, and that itself will be the slap on the face of the ones who are dealing with it, alone as always...

And life feels like a game a jacks... anyone can win... it's only luck, it's only chance...

This is somehow, not what we signed up for... We were meant to live for so much more... We were meant to live...

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bid for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?

Life, love and other trivial things...

2006-01-24T03:50:00.000-08:00

"Life is what happens to you while you're working for your future - Unknown"

And so it is... As I wondered, waited and counted the days until my college tour to Hyderabad came, it had already breezed by. I was hoping for nothing other than six fun filled days. But I realized just as soon as I got back that I had gotten more than what I asked for... The six days that I was away from home felt like six months, cause I had that many experiences, six months that had gone by in six seconds, cause I was back home before I realized it. It's the best words I can use to explain my experience...
I'm sure many of us have joyous experiences in life that give us unforgettable moments, the moments that last for a long time in our memories. As casual as this trip was though, I experienced a myriad of these moments all together. It feels like, in the gap of six days, I understood love, friendship, promise, grief, commitment, laughter, prejudice, wonder and a hundred other emotions better than before. And I'm glad for myself... Glad because the one thing I hate in life is stagnancy and thankfully I've been keeping really away from it.
And anyways, I seem to have got other things on my mind...

"If I'm in love, then all is lost - Robin Williams (Bicentennial Man)"

Lost indeed... since all reasoning and common sense evades me more than usual... in this case I think maybe it was 'cause I spent every waking moment of the six days in his presence, smiling with his smile... laughing at his stupid jokes, noticing his crazy quirks and all of that. I try not to think about him, and his face just jumps in front of my eyes, and I'm thinking, "Oh hell... what have I gotten myself into." I'm convinced though that this is just a temporary crush... cause otherwise, I haven't got a chance in hell.

"Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire. - Francois de La Rouchefoucauld"

I haven't experienced real love or anything in life... maybe come very close to it but not entirely savored it. I just wish I could say I didn't understand that sentence, because it is but one more painful verity of my life. The distance, the absence, the pain of the lost love or the hope of the true one all confuse me... as they have, ever since I lost him... Lost him? Was he mine to begin with? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could just ask him. And I wish I could find simpler words to explain the crossroads of my life.

"If young love is just a game, I must have missed the kickoff. - Blink 182"

Like I said I haven't felt the real love... or anything positive in that direction, for that matter. I look around and see people in the comfort of each other's arms and I wonder whether soulmates and the like are just a myth. When you're a kid you believe in all of it... and somehow the older you get the lesser you believe in it, just like Santa or the tooth fairy. Under the guise of practicality you start hiding you're insecurities, until someone comes along and restores your faith in miracles and such.

I dunno what my point here is... endless ramblings and the sorts... I suppose just that life and love have a funny way of sneaking up on people... We just have to hold on and enjoy the ride cause...

"You only live once, but if you work it out right, once is about enough - Joe Lewis"

And so it begins...

2006-01-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

The Last few days of Last Year have been very whirlwind for me... from lectures about logs and timber, to daydreams of arithmetic logs and my old college, to logheaded and sadistic professors taking my case just because I'm the pushover and a self admitted wuss...
I don't understand when do people become so uptight in life, especially the teachers they're supposed to be our mentors, our friends... and 'Jimmy the dog' makes no such aspiration whatsoever.

Well, never mind, the incident would have made an entirely new post but it's all said and done now, and I leave the last year behind with some bittersweet memories...

RECAP 2005

*Had a crappy new year and was hoping that the coming year did not unfold in the general pattern of misery of the New Year's Eve.

*Lost a very very important person to me, somewhere round January... All I know is that a year goes by and it's still not Ok...

*Have a sufficiently great birthday... but am still amazingly anxious 'bout approaching board exams, it's a make or break situation for me...

*Give the exams half heartedly, half expecting that something terrible was going to happen...

*Get results have done exceptionally well since for more than one subject I have begun studying only the day before... No Kidding!

*Get admissions in the college of my choice... only to realize it's not cut out to be as I imagined... Life in new college is considerably harder...

*Dated people, broke other peoples' heart, had my heart broken by other people...

*Ended with an excellent and memorable party with friends....

Ah.. the memories... it's been a very tough year for me in many ways.

But all's well that ends well ...
... And what begins well is even better!

Happy Year 2006!

Season's Greetings...

2005-12-26T07:23:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over.

And I'm filled with nostalgia...Christmas times always bring vivid memories.

I was in a convent school so christmas festivities usually went over-the-board. The decorations... the mass.... the tableau... the PARTY. Yup. The party, even though I was in an all girls school and we were pretty disciplined... we had a rocking party. We were like little party animals in training. Complete with a DJ and a Jam session... it was incredibly great. Yup, all of the gift exchanging and Secret Santa's and everything... It was a quite something.

And ever since I've left school... Christmas' just don't feel the same. No Mazzapans(I don't know how you spell 'at) , no decorating a christmas tree, no endless carolling. Just a dragging party full of insipid junkies who can't think beyond boozing and passing-out.

I feel like when I left the school, the innocence of Christmas was lost with it. To top it off my christian neighbour recently moved out... leaving what feels like a deep void.

But even so, christmas is still full of charm for me. I know when you grow up, it's obvious you stop believing in things like Santa or the North Pole... but I still believe that christmas brings about many miracles.

Miracle No. 1 ---> My parents did not have one solid fight on this Christmas, which is totally unlike them and against our tradition of getting into ugly and unforgettable fights on an important occasion...

Miracle No. 2 ---> I'm finally getting a new Mp3 player which I didn't think I would get considering that for the past two years my mum's been saying, "I'm getting you the player for your next birthday honey."

Miracle No. 3 ---> I'm having grrreat hair,face,everything days... Just awesome.

Miracle No. 4 ---> I'm keeping so busy which means I spend less time at home which means I have less arguments with my dad which means I'm less depressed. It's not as disheartening as it sounds. But nonetheless... I'd rather avoid it right?

Miracle No. 5 ---> Christmas is gone but I don't feel hopeless...

And even though to most people my idea of a miracle wouldn't qualify as plausible... to each his own... and here's wishing... I have these little miracles all year round, Cheers!

Perfectly Imperfect...

2005-12-20T08:17:00.000-08:00

The restless night twisting and curling up
Under the warm blankets of peace,
The simple tunes of goodness caressing my ears
And bringing my heavy heart to ease...

My sleep melting into the cup fresh coffee
Stirring up endless emotions,
The time far from menacing, it's serenity and peace
Breaking all midnightly notions...

Pages of my life lapping up the breeze
A zealous hysteria they fly into...
So much so, but the picture's incomplete
Cause I'm still missing you...

Going South...

2005-12-11T21:36:00.000-08:00

Forewarning: This passage could be a lo-o-ng one, consider yourself warned. Also, The views and ideas expressed in the passage are the personal opinion of the author... And since my opinion doesn't count anyways... Don't have a cow.

Ok, so 'vacationing' is a word that doesn't instinctively remind me of my family trips to exotic places and having amazing fun with my loved ones. What it does remind me of though, is travel sickness... projectile vommitting, getting mugged and yes... family fights. So when my dad said suddenly two weeks ago that we were to pack our bags and go vacationing I was very skeptical... You can't blame me. Spending a whole day in the presence of my parents is an incredible feat for me... He was talking bout ten days, that... was a situation of national alert. And when he told me where we were going, I was thinking, hmmm...

We were to leave for Kerala to live at his client's villa. I have absolutely nothing against Kerala. But you know when you're so accustomed to the fast pace. Slowing down for even an instance seems a little scary. That was what I had in mind going into this trip. No phone, No music [Currently not owning a 'working' discman]. I'm going to get bored out of my mind in that village, and I'll have my parents to keep me company. Great! What am I going to do?
There were the extremely last moment plans plus as we were leaving a traditional leaving-the-house-panic argument broke out amongst the four of us. Ahh.. the Vacation-monster rearing his ugly head.

So as we cautiously boarded the train and waved goodbye to sweet home... I was very incredulous of what trick, god had up his sleeve. As the last radio station fizzed out of coverage I dumped my pocket radio aside and waited for the gloom that was to come.
And then it happened I don't know how but the four of us... My mum,dad, my sister and me that is... were actually having fun. We laughed and debated and sang. We could've been the brady bunch family for all I knew, not nearly strange enough but nonetheless. I always believe that a group isn't a group until they share some insider's jokes... and this trip has given us enough to last for sometime...

Ok, so cut to the chase.... The food. the first thing we did on reaching there in the evening was go for dinner at a family friend of GK uncle's [the guy that invited us] and I realized the people there have HUGE appetites or at least they're very hospitable cause we were getting dinner invitations to the dozen. And every homemade dinner throughout the trip superceded the earlier with the amount of food actually laid down on the table. And the amount of variety... just loads and loads of chicken, fish, rice, sambar, appam, avial, curries and what not! And when you're in the city accustomed to eating a plate of frozen take-out, this felt like christmas.

We got the opportunity of seeing all the highspots of the south. Beautiful places. Like the Backwaters of Allepey from the comfort of a beautiful luxurious houseboat. And while we were getting there, all the way to the shore spot where we had lunch[another huge one not to mention] and all the way back, I just couldn't help being mesmerized by the breathtaking beauty that is Kerala... I mean I could've sat on that boat for days and read and listened to music... Then there was the shores of Kanyakumari where we lived in a hotel with breathtaking sea view and the different sights there that were beautiful beyond comprehension. You've really missed it if you haven't seen the vast expanse of horizon from high atop the rock. The sunset and the sunrise from you're room window. Wow, was all I could say... Seeing the Meenaxi Temple with all of it's grandeur... you can only imagine. Munnar... the beautiful hillstation, with it's wonderful parks and tea plantations that made for even more ecstatic beauty. Seeing the Nilgiri Tahr perched on a high rock looking down at you with majestic beauty... and wild elephants on the slopes was as good as it got. I'll stop praising before I sound like a travel guide... and also because it's hard to put perfect beauty into words. It felt surreal like I was lifted off to some beautiful paradise.

And that's what GK Uncle kept telling us... About how Kerala was "God's own country" and how the "Keralan homemade food is better than any hotel food in Mumbai" about how the "people in Kerala are hardworking and honest not like in Mumbai". So we had to bear these incessant comments which angered me a little. I understand pride in one's homeland but comparisons I cannot discern. Also the wierd stares at our attire as if jeans were so treacherous, we might as well have been naked. The language barrier didn't help any better. I couldn't make out if the aunties were gossiping about us or were just chatterring about their lives. It was a little frustrating.

But nonetheless I am thankful to these very people for making our trip a success... They treated us well, other than their shyness which I think stemmed out of somewhat of an inferiority complex of city folks. And we couldn't rid them of this susperstiotion about us being uptight by becoming friendly cause of the language problem. But they were hospitable especially GK uncle himself.. he made all arrangements for our trip to go well.

We travelled in a luxurious car listened to blaring music or watched Mathew Mc'Coughney battle the cryptic desert on the video screen. Stayed in palatial hotels. Got the best food everywhere and so all in all it was a good score of fifteen days.
Also I had a good load of experiences...

- I tasted duck for the first time... I loved it!
- Made friends with a cute English guy on my way home in the train, although he ended up showing me the picture of his girlfriend... Ah! well the grapes were sour right?
- Saw a entire Tamil film... start to end and I have to say I have a newfound respect for south Indian films. Full on Entertainment!
- Did not puke once... during the travelling... that's a first for me!

But as I smelled the familiar smell of Mumbai, in the taxi ride back home from the train station and the sights and sounds of the great city... I realized I was back to being the little fish in the sea... I knew though no matter how great my trip was, and it was grreat, coming back home was better...

How I've missed it... the smoked smell that hangs in the air.... the dust that suspends and makes you sneeze... the group of collegers you see hangin out every now and then... the smell of steaming pav bhaji and the skylights and hoardings. Speaking to friends on the phone incessantly...

It sounds radicle that I would enjoy the pandemonium after the serene environment I was subjected to... But like they say... Home is Sweet home...

If men are from mars... Is it possible to send 'em back?

2005-11-28T07:02:00.002-08:00

This might as well be a follow-up to my last post... since it is about men again... but with a difference. It's about the type of scum that dwells amongst us and reminds us on a daily basis of how life is full of those untimely, one-off(?) incidents sneaking up on us when you're just thinking that the goings getting good.

So what makes for all these scathing remarks about men again? Let me explain the cataclysmic incident...

Basically, between the afflictions of common cold (curse the thing, it never leaves me alone!) and my punishing and rigorous schedule of exams I had somewhere lost it... basically come infinetisemally close to a breakdown, and becoming a train-wreck, which I wanted to avoid at all circumstances. So, after taking a couple of days off from college... I was all set to make a comeback.

I had taken particularly extra-time to get ready since I had to... well let's say... to put it mildly... seduce a certain someone out of his poor little unsuspecting misanthropic mind(amen... to that). Anyways, so after donning a cute white skirt and a comfortable tee, I was ready to leave, looking quite good, if I say so myself. Now generally, to avoid an awkward situation, whenever I'm wearing a skirt I go to college in a rick(for those of you unfamiliar with this term I would have to define it as a mode of transport cheaper than a taxi and more comfortable than a bus). This is in perspective of avoiding the cheap minded, half witted goons that loiter around almost everywhere. But out of luck (and our fast-emptying pockets, cash stripped at the end of the month) I had to resort to a more local mode of transport.

So, we got to the train station and onto to the train and off it also... No problem whatsoever. "Hmm, I think this might just turn out to be a not so bad idea, we should do this train thing every time. It would save me some good bucks, and it's not that b-" There, that was it. Right there, that was the exact moment when god thought "she sounds a little too happy, hmm.. I can fix that"

Enter annoying dirty hoodlum. Out of nowhere this extremely gross and menacing bastard starts following me. Now, I have to explain, at this point of time, we are already running late thanks to the uncompromising delay of trains. Also I'm not entirely sure whether this lunatic is stalking me or just making his way out of the train station, as is the rest of the crowd.

So hurry as I might, with my injured knee(courtesy: clumsy, hard, fall the other day, while running) I payed little attention to this fellow. After a point I realized he wasn't just following me but also making lewd comments like "Arre iska style dekh... (read: check out her style)" and "Kaho to main kahin drop kar doon? (Need me to drop you off somewhere?)"

I, troubled by his loud gestures, and also by the fact that I was going to be late for my lectures hurry up to catch up with my friend... who is hurrying much more to catch up with another friend of ours she spotted paces away. Ok, so this was my mistake, I should've just turned right there and placed a slap on his face... or better, yelled for help. There are many frustrated people on the train station who would've loved to relieve their stress on him. But being the peace-loving person(read: wuss) that I am.. I let it go, I didn't want to be caught in any awkward situation. So I kept rushing, and he in turn spotted this as a sign of weakness.

I walked on as the final few steps... of the train station came closer and as I followed my friend who was already getting into the rick by now... I figured...Climax reached, denouement imminent, right? I should have known better.

Spat!

No, no don't re-read it... That sound was the sound of embarrasment, of arrogance, of crisis, of extreme grossness all at once for me.

As, a passer-by lady very elegantly let me know by yelling "Eww..." and pointing frantically towards me... I realized what the strange feeling I felt on my lower back was. And the more I realized the more shell-shocked I was... The creep, the filthy pan eating, creep had just spit on me... yes you read right, S-P-I-T, SPIT ON ME! The red filthy slime stuck to my tee-shirt as I turned around and searched for the deranged lunatic was unmistakeable. But as I stood there confused and shocked again... I'd noticed the person had dissapeared, possibly run for his life before passers or me, could even react.

Now I'm standing in the middle of the road staring disbelievingly at the crowd and completely shocked... yes... to even get into the damned rickshaw and my friend who was fuming with anger but just as helpless suggested I get into the rick and turn back for home. I don't remember what I said... cause I was still shocked remember, but I believe it was something to the effect of "No, my dad will cuss me and blame me for it... say I was being outrageous in dressing like that.. Don't make me go home"

(Ok. This is the part that sucks... one of my friends suggested I stop wearing skirts to college, and I'm completely angered with the thought that he can't just accept that this was a problem that stemmed from the mind of the scum face... and not my attire, and that once at least people should stop blaming the girl and settle for the fact that the hoodlum was a pig who would've done the same thing with somone else wearing a skirt. Alright, I'm getting ahead of myself here... so where was I?)

Shocked... all the way back to my college... Already running late and smothered in something that I didn't even want to know consisted of what. On reaching college my friends were kind enough to help me... get rid of most of the yuckness... they tried to calm me down. Yea.. right like that would work, I'd love to be the one comforting someone instead. But these things happen with me... they have to, remember, the light up above...

So anyways, after much cleaning and crying and shock and consoling and doubt and more shock, I stepped into my class with utmost caution and ran straight to my lovely last bench and settled down for the rest of the first lecture(Although, I had to hear a sermon 'bout being late in class... to which I responded with a grunt and turned my back away from the class as soon as possible).

The highest-point at this time for me was... that nothing had smeared on my crisp white skirt... which was probably the thing that worm was targetting in the first place... and also that my tee wasn't that bad once we'd gotten it cleared up.

Right so after three hours.... of Graphics, and unmistakeable ewws... and awws... from my lovely friends... I felt like I'd averted much problems. Throughout the lectures, it was less about "one point perspective of steps and it's elevations" and more about "this is not a one-off incident I had a friend once and the same thing happened with her... well she didn't get spit on but hey the guy was staring hard... " . So between the teases and sympathies of my friends and the "I'm sorry for you, wish I could help" look from the certain someone... It's all good.

I know, I know how I can I be so optimistic, you ask?. Well, you can't let the big guy up there win it easy right?

To kiss a martian...

2005-11-23T21:13:00.000-08:00

Alright so this isn't going to be a scary recital of my one-on-one encounter with an extra-terrestrial and how I fell in love with him. [Although it would make for an interesting post...]

No, this is about an alien much closer to home...

He walks with élan... one hand in his pocket, the other over his backpack carelessly slung over his shoulder as he nods his head to his favourite heavy metal ensemble playing on the discman...

His hair smeared with enough gel to qualify as an oil-leak if he dipped his head in the ocean... Dresses up like he's a modern rockstar and an re-incarnation of every style guru there ever was...

Loves cruising on his bike, the purring of the engine lovingly carressing his already bloated up ego...

Thinks of himself as a gift to the earth and to women in general... And believes wholely that you belong to him, while he belongs to every other girl in the world...

Is good at multi-tasking, that is he can talk and piss you off at the same time...

Yet sometimes gives the word "recluse" new standards... irritating and ignoring you.

You'd think he was supposed to be thrown in a dungeon and kept there till the end of time...
But then there are times...

When he's a loving friend lending his shoulder for you to cry on...

When in an instant his smile lightens your heart, makes you forget your pain and takes your breath away...

When you catch him staring at you from some corner of the room and he looks away immediately to hide his blushing face...

When he sings a song for you, in the most awful voice ever, but still sounds cute...

When he makes up every excuse to stay behind with the gang, even if you know he has to be home...

When he opts to bash someone up, for you sometime... even if that person is a king-kong twice the normal human size...

When he doesn't say anything to you... but you know he's going to be there... for you, forever.

*sigh* Guys... You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em!

Brushing off the cobwebs...

2005-11-22T00:37:00.000-08:00

So... it's been a really long time, really really long time... yet these months have gone by surprisingly quickly for me. They belonged to long overdue submissions, college fests and dances, arguments and romances, eating out and nights over.... in short everything College.

And college it is... up to a saturation point. Anything in an excess, is well exhausting... that I've realized after gruelling days of exams and endless submissions. Hard to tell whether I'm enjoying the busy life or missing the laid back one that I was used to. There was a point in life where everything had come to a grinding halt... and now it's rushing fast at a mindnumbing pace. And I still can't tell which way I loved it better.

So the decision comes, to take a couple of days off... and relax.

[Random] UPDATES:

- Interior Designing is brilliant. Exactly what I was looking for... only better. I'm finally doing exactly what I love doing, which I'm sure is much more than most of us can say and I'm thankful for that. My room doesn't look any cleaner, but hey don't start judging me, let's see you party all day and have the strength to clean. Oops... did I say party, I meant study study.

- Have finally give up travelling like a millionaire and am using, common man commuting devices. Although I'll stick to the fact that I still hate buses.

- Saving up to buy a totally cool guitar and then learn it. Although my money keeps vanishing bit-by-bit. Hmm... I shouldn't use the word vanishing it just gets transformed into a new pair of shoes or a sexy top or a denim jacket. So I'm a shopaholic.. shoot me!

- Have returned to singledom again but not for long. *wink*

- Reading a lot more nowadays, but spending a lot less. Yay for books gone on sale.

- Have given up cola drinks but they've replaced by a new addiction. Coffee...

- Will start writing a lot more now... I had completely forgotten how much I enjoyed it... Promise to be a lot more focussed now... o0h... Live rockshow on vh1... Gotta go.

Since the heavens stopped crying...

2005-08-09T03:32:00.000-07:00

People who were wondering where I have been for the past so many-many days... do not fear, I'm entirely alright. Neither my dad nor the floods in Mumbai got to me!

Well... It's been approximately two weeks now after the tragedy of the floods hit Mumbai. People look like they have moved on. Life looks like it wasn't interrupted in the first place, at least for those who weren't much affected by it.

I'll have to say I was one of those really lucky people. My entire family was surprisingly at home that day. My sister bunked college cause she was sick. My mum called in sick for work cause she was late... my dad got back home early from work cause his client didn't turn up. And me, I was just about to step out of my house when it started pouring... I thank god, it's all done and gone now. For us, at least. We didn't have the water logging or electricity problems, Luckily!

For me the hecticness of life resumed soon after the incident, though. College has begun... everything, at least around my life is back to its normal... or it's new normal at least.

Staying up at nights completing case-studies, assingments... papers all over the place... table littered with pencil sharpenings, bits of used scotch tape, and an empty cup of coffee... stuffy monsoon-ish air flowing in the room through the half open window, and loud late night radio have become a common sight in my household.

And I love it! It's a great thing that I'm ejoying myself. College is so much fun when you don't have Math. Have I mentioned before I'm not much of a Math lover? Never mind, you should know I'm not much of a Math lover.

Besides that fun fact, college is... umm like college should be... loads of fun, loads of friends, even more hangin' out, and the best part of it all... ample of good looking guys.

Oh Yeah! You guessed right, that's why I've been keeping so busy!

'Wat' of the Worlds?

2005-07-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a friend and I saw the much-talked-about-starring-Tom-Cruise-and-Dakota-Fanning flick "War of the Worlds". And to say the least I think I was dissapointed with the film. I mean of course it's a well shot movie with plausibly extravagant special effects but the ending kinda looked goofed up... and more than anything, after the brilliantly shot scenes in the movie I expected the climax to be 'Magnum Opus' but I was thoroughly dissapointed after what I saw. There's some bits of the movie that look a little disconnected with the rest of film. I won't ruin the ending for those who haven't watched it but let's just say that Spielberg sure thinks air pollution has the potential to actually save us... Eeps! Don't make anything of that! Specifically Specifying... those are MY thoughts. But anyways, if you have to spend a 100 bucks to watch a movie, for the sheer exuberance of the effects given in the film, I think I'd vote for it... Just don't expect anything mind blowing [unless of course we're talking about li'l Dakota's irritatingly frequent high pitched screams... which would do nothing less than blow your brains out.]

Speaking of which... I have to get ready to get my brains blown out on the wall by my 'has-a-damn-good-reason-to-be' angry dad. Hey don't be surprised... It's what I like doing for fun... you know some people like living life on the edge... I apparently am one of them. The person that put his head between a crocodile's razors... I know exactly how you feel. Anyways, if I'm alive... I'll be back!

JobSchmob.com...

2005-06-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

Dinner time chats in my house are always very eventful, if we ever get past the TV and make out time to talk with each other, that is. But yesterday, was careful scrutinization of what my career graph was gonna be like. Like always my dad was hinting that I couldn't think for myself and that I should follow in his footsteps... become a Lawyer. Mum's reaction? Yeah right! She couldn't manipulate anyone if her life depended on it. She's right, *wink* well not that she knows of, at least. But my mum was indignant on letting me choose what my passion was for.

And so it was decided, that my mum was right! Yay! for me... but I'm imagining what if they'd decided to put me in an altogether different career...
So from that thought comes my list... My list for the...

Top 5 disastrous career choices... for ME!

Career No.1 ----> A nutritionist and diet consultant.
All right so let's face it, I'm the queen of Junk Food. No No, that's not a self implaced laurel. It's my special feature. It's what I'm known for. I mean if there's junk food somewhere and loads of it... you'll probably find me loitering in some corner, deciding what to pounce on, first. Forget changing the diets I'd be much more successful in kissing my own nose, than I would be at assigning someone with a healthy diet. Now with all of those fatty, sugary cakes, well oiled frankies, calorific colas you'd probably be thinking I'd be equivalent to a baby killer whale, but thankfully I'm not. There is a god...

Career No.2 ----> A surgeon
So, you wonder why since this is a very vouched for career, well for me it isn't. Firstly my problem is I have an issue with 'tissue'. I mean the blood oozing out of horribly infected slash wounds or having to actually cut open a person [I understand that's not very mildly put, but that's what will be going through my head!] or having to amputate something, yikes! The very thought is enough to give me a seizure. I mean doing that as a permanent job is something I just would not be able to deal with.
I should stop describing now before I hurl and make it imnpossible for myself to read what I'm writing. Wednesday afternoon such pleasant thoughts always make me smile...

Career No.3 ----> A Calculus Professor
Let's see... I'm not rejecting this job coz Math is boring, it's that it's sooo boring it makes me want to put my finger through my nose, up my nostrils into my brain and swirl it around. This is not an original qoute but boy, the feelings were so effectively described, I couldn't resist. Although I'd like to add that I also feel like I wanna pull out my brain, and put it in my easy-to-use food processor and make mince out of it. And this is the closest I'm coming to being a surgeon.

Career No.4 ----> A Sports Announcer
I actually have a great voice so this job wouldn't have been a problem if my hatred did not actually extend from math to sports. Yes bottomline: I hate sports. All sorts of it. I mean, to some extent, I'd enjoy the viewing part of it, who wouldn't want to watch hot guys playing a manly game of rugby. It's just I wouldn't be able to do the announcing... Why? Easy. I don't know shit about it. I only know some stuff about sports. I mean Football is something 'bout the Becham family, inn'it?. F1 is the shumacher bro's area, with alonso cheating them of their fame. Rugby has Tri's although I'm not even sure I know what that is supposed to mean. And Cricket, boy oh boy... I've noticed it's only enjoyable when we're winning...

Career No.5 ----> A Beachguard
OK, this one's kindof off territories anyways, since I can't swim. Also the prospects, of me wearing an orange bikini and running around Juhu beach saving those pug faced idiots, are slim. But even if I could swim, and I wanted to go out of my way and be an angel to the grims on the Indian beaches, there is a tinee-winee problem. I'm imagining a beach in Goa, where an entire team of beachguards is setup. And knowing how boy crazy I am, I'd pro'lly just ogle at the washboard abs of the squarejaw'ed hunks running around the beach... and not do any actual work. Hmmm... come to think of it, the more I think of this job the more I start liking the idea...

Well, there you have it... I'm not saying that these jobs are bad or people who persue them are crazy... so a statuatory warning added that as much as I'd like to think of these jobs as sane... they wouldn't appeal to me [maybe the last one] but anyways my thoughts, like I always say are my thoughts, don't agree? Well there's nothing much you can do about it, is there ??

'Rock & Blues' for the soul...

2005-06-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

I often wonder how it is that for every situation I am in... there seems to be a song written exactly about it. Like when I'm up late at night talking on the phone with my best friend discussing... well mostly nothing, I put on the radio and I hear the tunes of 'The Remembrandts' making me do nothing more than smile some more... Or when I'm missing 'someone' in particular... my winamp shuffler decides to hang on the song '1000 miles' and when I hear Vanessa Carlton voice crooning with the piano... I feel myself getting dazed with thoughts. Or how it is... everytime I feel like I would explode if I didn't break my chain of thoughts, a 'Dare you to move' plays and my head feels invariably lighter...

Music to me is, to describe in one word,... everything. It's something that pulls me on top if I'm hanging by a thread. I cannot exactly explain what it does to me... but it's pretty powerful motivation. For me music spells redemption like nothing or no one else ever has. The words, agreed, make the music much more impacting but it's the synchronized melody that brings the change in me. The words may put the story together but the music reads it out to my mind.

Whenever I'm troubled, I just talk it out with a friend... But sometimes I'm too exhausted to be talking, to be explaining myself and this is when MUSIC comes to my rescue. It's silent consolation, of my thoughts echoed by someone I don't know at all. Maybe that's the beauty of music, when you realize that you're not the only one, it becomes easier to deal with.

Maybe I'm the only one who's so dependant on music, but I seriously doubt it. I know music has the innate ability to touch so many souls... Souls that sometimes just need that wordless support...

The second dimension...

2005-06-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

Life sometimes gives you just so many things to worry about... Like nothing's good enough, it always leaves you wanting for something better... or rather something different. Like, you wannabe someone else. I think about it. I wannabe someone else, sometimes. Like I want someone else's life. Only so that I wouldn't have to deal with all the questions in my own. So that I could have all the answers, for once.

The questions, the troubles, that seem to be drifting away from my life one moment... and the next moment, fog my mind so much it's impossible to see what's ahead, clearly. What's in store for me. I feel like just for once I want everything to be normal. Just easy to explain. One happy life. A constant. I feel like I wanna erase all the confusions about... everything. A life in which my pluses and minuses were neutralized, not somewhere where everything was horribly out of proportion.

So out of proportion that it's hard to live, hard to try... and even harder to give up, harder to die. The hope that's keeps building up your strength, doesn't allow you to be weak, to be frail in any sense. It doesn't allow you to give up. When sometimes you just wanna fall down on your knees and cry, the hope, keeps you smiling.

I keep wondering when it's gonna change or whether it's going to, even. Or whether all my life I'm gonna have to deal with much more than I can handle. Apprehensiveness gets the better of my more assessed and calm side. I realize I might not have the worst life there is... but it's not easy to be me...

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird:I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train and
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd:but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed:but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream but
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right, You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything...

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.

Life's calling...

2005-06-11T08:31:00.000-07:00

Well so the results have come out and they're just what I expected... so no surprises there. I don't know whether I'm more relieved or sadenned. I was expecting in the corner of my heart for some miracle to happen [read-->something like the examiner was drunk when he was correcting my papers and gave me 85 instead of 35]well we know, that's not happened. But nonetheless, I'm not at least completely bewildered, like the last time, at my own naiveness in thinking the marks were magically going to appear on my scoresheet because I'm a nice kid. I looked at it in a way that, I've been through a lot, this has to be my calling, god will save me. A lameass excuse for my laziness, I entrusted the responsibility of getting the marks on god!

It was wrong in that context I realize it now, but otherwise I keep doing that a lot. I mean, I entrust god with everything and just go on with my life thinking that he'll take care of me no matter what. And come to think of it he always has. I mean when I first got admitted in that sorry excuse for a college after my dismal 10th grade performance I was thinking, it couldn't get worse. And it didn't. Life completely took me by surprise one after the other. Friends like I could never imagine making, memories that will stay with me lifelong. *Touchwood* things are still looking up. I mean every unfortunate incident in my life, no matter how much it dented my soul and crushed me, it's impossible to ignore the prospective good that came out of it. It's not always obvious but think about it, you'll notice something or the other in your life too. Cynics will probably wonder what I'm talking about. I don't blame them. You can never experience the things you don't have faith in. And as bullshit as the concept of faith and hope might sound, it's something that exists. I realize that because of my faith in the coming day, I only feel more capable, emotionally stronger, more understanding. To think of it in this way I think every jolt of shock in my life has shaken me into being steadier. It's made me less apprehensive about what's store for me in the future.

It's like Baz lurhmann song goes "Don’t worry about the future... The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind" I've kinda adopted the same method it's much less stressful and you get to enjoy what you're living right now. It's kindof a safety cushion, like if you have no idea of what's going on in your life, there's probably a much bigger reason to it than you could have guessed. A much bigger plan.

Speaking of which... Plan now is to go and eat. Random rambling always makes me hungry...

Come judgement day...

2005-06-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

Going anywhere with your friends is always a good experience be it Paris or Pune... Well out of saving my family from a financial crisis I tried the latter one... Just a few days worth of holidaying left before our results left us high and dry... Me and my friends decided a couple of days away from the monotonous everything seemed like a good idea... A couple of hours after the thought crossing our mind we were already prepared to leave for pune the next day. Yes, that was quick but it involved a lot of escalating phone bills. We weren't sure of the tickets, up until the last moment, but finally we were off... A couple of days and a half away from home did me good. My brain got some rest fromt he usual 'bickering' of dad's, the cool air did my complexion some justice. All in all it was a trip well accomplished... and now we're back!

Oh the anxiety of having to face the D-day. I mean the memories of my last historical failure still flash vividly before my eyes. Expectations that plummeted within seconds and dreams that stayed just that... dreams. Now I know this sounds like the lines to a depressing soap. So I'll stop.
Back to my anxieties, I just got thinking of what it would be like in different circumstances...

I get 90%+ - I'd pinch myself and wakeup from a dream...
I get 80%+ - I'd think that praying at that historical temple in pune does get you anything you wish for and would probably apply for a degree in interior designing...
I get 70%+ - I'd be pleasantly happy and would apply for a degree but would probably end up in a diploma...
I get 60%+ - I'd be wondering why the one time I wanted god to not fulfill my expectations... he did exactly that.
I get 50%+ - I'd be assuring my mum that I"m not going to end up '40 single and very very poor'... Probably apply for that diploma.
I get 40%+ - I'd be wondering why god spared me the humilation of failing I mean since he has decided on ruining my life...
I get 30%+ - I'd pinch myself and wakeup from a nightmare...

Well, not much of a choice there, but I"m happy I"m not one of those people whose given all the entrance exams in the world and finally settled for a Bsc. degree.
To be seriously thinking, I think I'm going to be just fine, I had a lot of misconceptions in my schooling days but life knocks sense into you sooner or later and I did realise that success has no direct relationship with getting good marks in your exams... And even it's not true I"d like to think so. I"m a street smart person to the core and I'd like to believe, that I have an equal chance like any book smart person.

Speaking of which... 'The Apprentice' is in it's third season, Book Smarts v/s Streets Smarts. This is one season I'm gonna keep an eye out for.

Testing...

2005-05-28T03:59:00.001-07:00

Yet another blog... a new first post, my excitement is just as much as it was the last time, only this time I hope it doesn't wear out.

Well... my first blog saw some good posts but other than that it was just another 'Me Too' blog... The reason I quit writing then was because my life suddenly didn't give me anything to talk about .. the very fact made me quite sad. I felt like it had come to a standstill... which was true but what I didn't know was it was only getting ready to do a summersault. My much-awaited vacations brought me a wonderful time full of both surprisingly happy and equally nostalgic moments, all action packed. I even made a list of the things I had to do during my vacation and now reading back I'm pleasantly surprised, since I didn't manage to strike-out one incident in that list. I say pleasantly because no matter I hadn't done all that stuff, I still felt like I'd achieved a lot... I had a lot of fun.. made new friends, lost some... learnt a lot and still learning.

It did dissapoint me at first as to how I'd wasted my time when I could have done something important with it but I also realised you're not wasting your time if you're happy. Cause 'living' life is the most important experience in'nit? It was supposed to be different but I realise I liked it anyways.

Speaking of which... What am I going on about?? This was supposed to be a first post. I should just be saying...
Testing...